There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
so much to do
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub