The most underused drug is birth control pills.

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Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.


[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.


My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.


Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag


ME: “Trick or bear?”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]


Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.


M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!


my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.


My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”