“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
*ernest hemingway voice*
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”