@TDeeRock

The most underused drug is birth control pills.

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@HatTheButcher

Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.

@ericsshadow

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

@rolldiggity

ME: “Trick or bear?”
NEIGHBOR: “Bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]

@SlayerSays

Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@Zac_Franklin

my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.

@Midgetspar

My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”