The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
sistine chapel
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?