The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.