The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Baking is just science you can eat.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”