The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”