The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
So creative 😂
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
This meal prepping shit easy
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”