The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
my dad has had enough
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?