Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.
Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.
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Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …