“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

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Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.


Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.


Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea


Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..


if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point


me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes


Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.


If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.


I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …