“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Golf would be better with landmines.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE