@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

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@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@cheers27402373

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

@Sickayduh

Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

@Browtweaten

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

@johnbiehl

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …