“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me 2 months after i graduated
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling