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@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

@bouncerface

Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@KalvinMacleod

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

@qikipedia

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@SocialustGal13

Let’s make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I’ll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

@StainsQueen

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.