I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
inside you are two wolves
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
okay run it by me one more time
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
A ghost story
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well