*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
This week’s mood.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?