LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.