I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?