@TheMichaelRock

The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.

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@jctwritesstuff

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@mkpaulsen

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

@ericsshadow

[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@NikatNiteNite

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@Angibangie

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”