Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.
You Might Also Like
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[at my high school reunion]
Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?
“Dude that was in 1991.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”