The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
no such thing as a dumb question
Saturday
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)