13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.