@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

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@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’

@OllyiConic

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

@leshnevsky

Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.

@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@blade_funner

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

@DaddyJew

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”