@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

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@SimplySnaccbar

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

@Mike_Bianchi

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

@huntigula

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

@oothikicha

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@Darlainky

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

@envydatropic

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.