The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill