The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

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pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..


Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’


client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent


Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.


DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot


If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.


When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.


Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.


Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”