pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn’t need a food anymore.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”