The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
🤣🤣🤣
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I saw this ending much differently.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.