The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
That 👊
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
2022 will be better than 2021
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left