*performs CPR on the turkey*
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
This guy gets it.