The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
One venti cheeseburger please.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA