Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
well this was fun.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine