@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

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@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@RachelNoise

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@TheHatStore

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine