@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

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@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@SpenceDen

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

@Hormonella

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

@LindaInDisguise

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

@Parker_Simpson

On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump

@Classy_Cassy89

My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

@SgtButtCheeks

I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time

@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

@aschiavone

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?