The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*


Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..


HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*


I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.


If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*


My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.