amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Hi, welcome to Necrophiliac Club.
Who wants a cold one?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.