The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

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Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.


*fills the ice tray once*



So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”


Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.


On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump


My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.


I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time


If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.


Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal


Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?