I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
the three branches of government
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.