@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

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@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

@mydmac

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@Storminika

I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’ on me. Worst pickup line ever.

@tarashoe

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@Home_Halfway

COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months