The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
incredible
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
At least he brought enough for everyone
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done