The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’ on me. Worst pickup line ever.


if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin


[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case


Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary


Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely


COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that


Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months