The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care