The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

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{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*


ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want


Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.


Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”


[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses


i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.


Just got home from Costco and although I forgot an item or two, I did managed to score a pretty awesome ping pong table.

Anyone up for a game please bring toilet paper