The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
There is wisdom there.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.