“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”