“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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That’s not how days work.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Finished stitching this today 😇
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume