The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I feel it
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Shoo shoo! 😂
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Optional boss fight.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom