@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

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@sixfootcandy

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

@AimeeHelene1

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

@DadandBuried

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

@ZaraEatWorld

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

@SortaBad

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

@NicCageMatch

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.