(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
It’s true what they say: shut up.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.