The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Never forget.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.