The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?