The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore