The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U