@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

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@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@Gilmatic

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

@JamColley

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

@Cyd10e

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.