@STEELERS1972

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

- @STEELERS1972

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@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@GrillyJoel

INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit

@HomeProbably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

@NewDadNotes

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

@nayele18maybe

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

@Weird_Rash

Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.

@shwebby2

British police don’t carry guns. So what exactly do they do then?

Yell “STOP… OR I’LL SAY STOP AGAIN!”