The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!