Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Breaking news:
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader