@Darlainky

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

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@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@LaceyNycole

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

@titanmoon10

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@yerpalmildsauce

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.