The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.


“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.


Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.


Me: But not as much as coffee.


I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”


Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives


Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.