The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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reduce, reuse, recycle
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
and this one
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.