Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
best review i’ve ever seen
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.