The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.


Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.


My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.


I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.


What do we want?
When do we want them?


media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong


Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.


*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-



lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ


Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*