The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Best spoiler warning ever
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.