@deloisivete

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

You Might Also Like

@_SingleBabyMama

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

@bfrosty04

Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.

@ShoutingGoddess

My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.

@MableGertrude

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@MaybePileJokes

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*