I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*