The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.


Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”


My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.


I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.


trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”


Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers


If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.