My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Software Development ⛵️
Usage Guidelines
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.