Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.