@Daveastated

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

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@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@DavidAdt1

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@GrantTanaka

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

@GrantTanaka

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash