The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.


My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.


Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..


parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are


Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}


Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER


[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash