me hooking up with my ex
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands