The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You Might Also Like
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything