The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
How it started How it’s going
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
So that’s what we looked like?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.