@kevinseccia: The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says "kill, kill, kill" as his eyes swirl...
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@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
@TimfromDa70s: I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I'm gonna work at your store for free, I'm picking my own position.
@ArfMeasures: [Runs into old school friend] Him: hey you're that guy who held weird grudges Me: And how is my eraser?
@osigat: <- I've been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.