The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.


the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants


I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.


It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.


Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no


Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.


I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.


A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.


Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.


flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what