I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”
Either it does or it doesn’t.
DON’T WASTE MY TIME
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
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Her: We’re just different
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…