I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
You are what you delete.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries