I have a big butt and I can not lie.
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
my nephew has a new classmate from Zimbabwe and upon discovering that Zimbabwe is in Africa (these kids are 6), the first thing everyone asked him is if he’d been to Wakanda. His reply: “no, there are force fields around it”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.