@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

You Might Also Like

@kjoy1019

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

@just1fool

I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@Darlainky

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

@lizmiele

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

@FrankConniff

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING