The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.