The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I wish I could veto my bills.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
“i am a sweet baby”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream