the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.