The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*