“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Breaking news:
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on