“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
“It has more sensors!”
“You can block group texts.”

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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?


The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle


I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.


Son: can we please turn the heat on?

Me: no, just go outside in the cold for a couple minutes and then come back in and be grateful


what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks


former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.


If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily


My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.


Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.